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Published October 23, 2018

Experts on rare and threatened species have announced today that the master race of PC gamers have joined the endangered species list due to widespread virginity wreaking havoc on their population. Quite often when a new species joins the endangerment list it’s due to manmade environmental problems, but in this case their habitats are only part of the issue. “With the majority of PC gamers taking residence in their parents’ basements — many of them well into adulthood — they are often seen as undesirable to potential partners,” said  International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) gaming specialist Hassan Moussaka. “Of course, the neckbeards don’t help either.”

The lack of sex hasn’t always been the foremost threat to PC gamers. In decades past they made up for their virginity by engaging in several taboo pornography kinks, satisfying their carnal needs but not contributing to the survival of their race. Now, as the first generation of pretentious PC gamers begins to age past their potency, the fate of the species as a whole rests on the younger gamers in the community. Sadly, all evidence suggests they are content comparing graphics cards and masturbating to hentai instead of attempting to procreate.

The most damning part of all, according to Moussaka, is the failures of even those who try to seek out partners. “On one hand you have an entire sect of their community who wants nothing to do with sexual relationships, and on the other you have those who try but fail mightily because of their complete lack of social skills, fashion sense, and personal hygiene.” Much like lemurs, armadillos, and sloths, PC gamers are projected to go completely extinct within the next two generations if nothing is done to combat these issues.

Advocates for PC gamers, such as NewEgg and Valve, have put forth their own initiatives to assist the community in not just surviving, but thriving. The Valve spring sale promises to include a personal grooming kit with every purchase totaling more than $20. CEO of Valve, Gabe Newell, urges others to gift Steam games to their reluctant master race friends or family. However, only time will tell if these initiatives affect the population numbers in any real way.

“What we can’t have is these gamers remaining secluded from the rest of the gaming community,” Moussaka warns. “If they refuse to integrate themselves, we will undoubtedly watch their population dwindle until they are mentioned alongside Sloth Bears and Dwarf Hippos as the latest tragic extinction brought on by the hubris of man.”

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