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Published September 21, 2018

Building a large number of puzzles in your town could be directly affecting how terrible a monster problem you’ll have, according to a new study. The research looked at several towns and cities across the globe and determined there is a strong bond between towns that are heavily puzzle-focused and those same towns being inundated with monster activity including zombies, cults, ghouls, ghosts, possessed maniacs, and pyramid-headed executioners.

The findings were introduced by the Project For Monster-Free Living (PMFL), a non-profit organization focused on reducing the number of otherworldly creatures in our plane of existence. The group’s conclusions are the culmination of years of research studying monster infestations past and present in locales like Raccoon City, Minakami Village, Hanuda, Silent Hill, Romsdalen, Greenvale, and Krimson City. “We set out to determine what was attracting these creatures to swarm these areas all over the world,” said project lead Izuni Watanabe, “and time after time, the one common denominator we found was all these towns were founded or since developed by puzzle-obsessed city planners.”

The researchers at PMFL detailed specific design features that your town should avoid to lessen or, ideally, eradicate a monster problem. “There are certain things we saw consistently among all these towns — like doors that require two halves of a crest to unlock, rearrangements of light or reflections to reveal hidden passageways, cryptic poetry that, when deciphered, would explain how to advance — these are things no town needs, and if you’re currently living in a place that employs a lot of these oddities, be careful. You could soon suffer an influx of evil beings.”

Though the study could not determine why these properties attract monsters, Watanabe says the attraction itself is undeniable. The group even goes as far to simplify the matter by saying “essentially, anytime you’re using anything other than a keylock to lock your door, you could be asking for trouble. “However,” Watanabe wrote, “take note that even traditional doors aren’t an indication of safety. An alarming 78% of all the doors in the towns we studied were permanently locked or blocked from the other side.” This isn’t just an egregious fire hazard, she says, it’s an invite for hell on earth. “Locked and blocked doors seem to attract the sinister and undead at a comparable rate. Get your doors fixed, for the sake of your hometown, all your friends, and your family.”
Watanabe said the PMFL’s findings will be released in full at the end of next week and the group urges any residents of perma-locked, labyrinthine, enigmatic townships to take note.

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