A surprising press release from Activision today announced that all future Call of Duty games will forever be without DLC packages as the developers have run dry their well of virile-sounding nouns and macho buzzwords to title their DLC map packs.
“Our team at Sledgehammer Games has been working hard on this November’s Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare and we are very happy with the final product that will be in stores in time for the holidays,” the press release stated. “However, when preparing our annual downloadable content platform both we at Activision and the team at Sledgehammer came to the realization that we have already used up every ounce of machismo in the English language on our previous add-ons.”
The press release went on to mention by name a partial list of past map packs such as “Annihilation”, “Devastation”, “Vengeance”, “Onslaught”, “Resurgence”, “Rezurrection” [sic], and “Apocalypse”.
“We’ve adhered closely to our strategy of playing on male gender roles, titling our add-on packages with completely irrelevant nouns or phrases that exist only to attract the impotence-fearing community of ours, and it’s worked very well for the last decade. We’ve remained very successful as a publisher and our braindead fans have enjoyed the content as well,” read the press release. “Sadly, there are just no more words that can properly express how testosterone-infused our franchise aims to be.”
Activision was rather candid in admitting that after Call of Duty: Ghosts‘ “Invasion” and “Nemesis” map packs, they were facing the realization that there just might not be anymore tough guy keywords with which they could title their add-ons. “We scrambled to come up with at least one more so we could give players a first and final extension to Advanced Warfare this fall,” said Sledgehammer CEO Glen Schofield, who later explains the studio even reviewed UFC merchandise and energy drink adverts to make sure they hadn’t missed something. “It’s just a bummer to have to tell you guys we’ve exhausted our dude-bro vocabulary.”
The publisher promised it’s not all bad news though, and assured gamers that fully priced installments in the series will still release every November for years to come.